There are times in every man’s life that are life-altering, life-changing, life-crashing. That first date. The first time you kiss a girl. The first time you drive on your own with no one else. The first time your heart gets broken. Your first speeding ticket. That perfect moment when you get down on one knee. That breathtaking pause until she says yes and you can breathe again. Moments like these can stop a man’s heart cold and remind him just how alive he really is.
There are moments in a man’s life however, that show him how incredible life truly is. For me that moment was when Stephanie blindly led me into our apartment and told me that we were going to have a baby. In that very moment my world came into life, burst into flame, went to the clouds, came crashing down, gave me purpose. Everything in my life to that point seems so meaningless. I was about to embark on a journey that would take me to heights and valleys I could have never dreamed of.
So many people have followed my perfect wife and my amazing daughter since this journey began, but so many do not know the other side of the story. The story of a man struggling to hold himself together and be the father, husband, and provider that God meant for him to be. His story is full of love and laughter, but also full of hurt and heartbreak. His story is my own, and I want to share with the world, and with my gorgeous daughter, Addison Olivia, the story of how from the moment of discovery, to your first birthday, your father’s life has traveled. That first moment I discovered I was going to be a father my heart stopped beating. I could not breathe. How was I going to provide for them? What if it’s multiples? What if Stephanie has a miscarriage? What if something is wrong with the child? What if the child is special needs? Will I survive? Will I be able to stay strong? Will I have faith? Will I run away? Can I be as good of a father as my own? What about my grandfather? Can I be even a fraction of the men I grew up with? Will I make enough money? Can we survive? Will Stephanie keep working? Should I keep her home? So many questions ran through my mind and I could not even breathe.
All I knew was that I was both the happiest man in the world and the most scared. I was about to help bring a child into the world with the perfect woman. I had (and still have) the most incredible woman by my side. She’s beautiful, loving, smart, full of life, and a teacher on top of it all. How could any child be any luckier than ours? They would come into the world with a mother that God broke the mold on right after making her. Then came the fear again. If my child would have Stephanie would they need me? Would they love me? Would I ever measure up to my wife? I was terrified that I would become irrelevant, and that thought scared me to death.
The first part of the pregnancy was like a dream. Picking out names for a boy or girl. Coming up with nursery ideas. Looking for a new place to live. So many things were incredible, but there were things that were not. Where I was working was turning upside down. I moved to a new location and received a huge promotion. To most this would be a victory, but to me it was a nightmare. All of a sudden my responsibilities were endless, and I had more on my plate than I knew what to do with. My hours went from bad to worse. Starting during the second trimester with Stephanie I went from working 49 hours a week to almost 70. I left for work at 5:45am and did not come home until almost 8:00pm. Even my weekends consisted of 10-12 hour days when others I worked with only had to work 4-5 hours on those days. Inside I was a wreck. I was worried about everything going on at work on top of the pregnancy. I began to suffer from intense depression and melancholy, and for almost a year I was a completely different person. I withdrew from friends and family. I lived at work and only slept at home. I took my wife for granted and lived selfishly with my time. I would rather go out and get plastered with my work buddies than go home to Stephanie and take care of her and help plan for our child. I numbed myself with alcohol until I would forget everything. What was driving me to this?
We had gone to our gender scan at Stephanie’s OBGYN and found that our perfect girl was going to be different. When we found out, I pretended to be strong and faithful and be the rock to steady Stephanie, but I was more of a destroyed wreck inside than she was. All of a sudden I realized that I was going to be the sole provider at a job where I was unhappy at, and I feared that a prayer I had prayed months before had come to fruition to test my faith.
The day after I found out that Stephanie was pregnant I prayed that no matter what happened I would be strong enough to accept it and deal with it, and that no matter what, that I would love and accept anything that happened to our child. Whether they were perfectly normal, or had special needs, or even surgery, that I would be able to embrace it all and be strong. When I found out that Addison was going to need her first surgery and that she would have to be monitored incredibly closely during her pregnancy I went to a dark place that a man should never have to go. All of a sudden I wished that Stephanie wasn’t pregnant. I found myself wishing I was someone else. I wanted to leave with no explanation and go off the grid. I entered a place so dark that light could not penetrate it no matter how bright. I felt I had prayed faithfully and been dealt this hand.
I was furious with God. How could my loving God condemn my family to this hardship? How could he do this when I was so fragile already? I felt damned by my own prayer, but I put on a brave face and stuck with Stephanie and went to all of her appointments and helped to make decisions that would affect our lives forever. Inside I was dead. I felt like a tree devoid of water or roots, withered and crumbling, full of rot. As the months went on Stephanie’s pregnancy went from bad to worse. Everything that could go wrong in a pregnancy began to happen to her, and I kept numbing myself with alcohol to escape it all. What makes this so hard for me write is that my family, and not even Stephanie knew that I would get drunk so I wouldn’t feel anything at home. All I wanted to do was go to my miserable work and not have to deal with what was about to happen. If I got drunk then when I went home I could just pass out and not think about the complications. Then, two weeks before Addison came I got so drunk that I was stumbling over myself and knocking over furniture at the house. Stephanie was in so much discomfort from the pregnancy that she could not physically help me. That next morning, hurting and hungover like I had never been before I realized that I could not escape what was coming and I couldn’t put my family in that position again. What if Stephanie had gone into labor and I could not have driven her to the hospital? What if I was passed out and missed the birth of my first child? I could not let this happen, and so I stopped drinking.
That entire day I spent apologizing to Stephanie for my actions and prayed that I would be strong enough to support my family when Addison came. The weeks went on and then a midnight trip to the hospital we knew that Addison was coming early. The doctors induced Stephanie’s labor and for endless hours we waited while she pushed and pushed, but to no avail. Addison was not going to come naturally. Waiting for the surgeon to arrive was the most panicked I had ever been in my entire life up to that point. What if something happened to either of them before the doc got there? Surrounded by family and loved ones I had never felt so alone and smothered at the same time.
When the surgeon arrived he walked straight up to me and said something that I will never forget as long as I live. The words he spoke instantly calmed me and prepared me for Addison and Stephanie’s surgery. He walked up to me, looked me straight in the eye while shaking my hand and said: “I’ve got this.” It was the most powerful sentence anyone had ever said to me in my entire life. I then got ready and went in to the operating room and help Stephanie’s hand as the team brought Addison into this world. When I saw her for the first time my heart erupted into joy. Even though she wasn’t breathing she was absolutely beautiful, and she was mine. My daughter. Not just my daughter. She was our daughter. I ran following the nurses and the woman who caught Addison into the NICU and heard Addison’s voice for the first of 3 times in my life, and it was the sound of angels singing. That raspy little cry was the sound of every choir and every angel that ever had sung. I began to cry looking at her beautiful eyes and I kissed her head for the first time.
As I ran back into the operating room I told Stephanie that our daughter was perfect and beautiful and we both cried together. The time had come for us to be a family. We knew that she was going to have surgery in a few weeks to have a cystic tumor removed, so we weren’t worried at all. Life was getting ready to be beautiful, but then the tumor became the least of our worries. We found she had a hole in her heart, and then came the murmur, and then we discovered she couldn’t breathe without artificial support. I wrote it off and thought that a few procedures would cover it all and she would be ok within a month. This was not to be the case.
What followed over the next ten months was surgery after surgery, trips to Houston, helicopter rides, flights on planes to and from hospitals, road trips all over for her, all the while I was having to maintain my hours at work. Things at work only deteriorated from there. I was stressed to a point where I thought it was impossible to come back from, and then a miracle! Addison came home. Stephanie and I were overjoyed to the point of not even believing that what was happening was real. It was too good to be true, and unfortunately that was the truth. The weather during those six days was the worst all winter. Snow, sleet, ice, frozen rain, and freezing temperatures. What made it so hard was that after I worked 13 hours a day, I would find out from Stephanie that the nurse called in, and then we would have to stay awake all night to watch after her. I was at my limit, and we decided that we needed to take her to the PICU so she could get better.
This is where things started to get better. We started getting answers that we had been searching months for. We found out why she couldn’t breathe and finally had a solution to get her ventilator settings right so she could come home. What followed was two months of working 13 hour days and trips up to the hospital almost every day. Now at this point I still was deep in my depression. I was distant from my family and friends because I kept thinking that Addison was never going to come home, and that she would spend her whole life in the hospital. I have never been so wrong.
When we finally took her home our lives began to come together. Days were happier, nights more peaceful. The nurses began showing up to their shifts and taking beautiful care of Addison. Life was almost perfect until my work transferred me an hour south of our home so I lost another 2 hours a day of time with my family to my commuting on the most dangerous stretch of road in Texas. Finally I had enough.
I decided that I needed to make a huge change in my life to better take care of myself and my family. I submitted my resignation from my job of four years, began to seek counselling, and started to reconnect with my beautiful wife, my perfect daughter, my loving family, and the steadfast friends who never left my side during the entire ordeal. I can’t continue without naming those that gave me the greatest comfort during this time: The first is my incredible wife Stephanie. There is no stronger, nor more incredible woman in the world than her. The second is my immediate family: My steadfast father Clint, my warrior of a mother Julie, my fireball sister Kristin. My unflinching father in law Gerald, my patient mother in law Cindy, and my encouraging sister in law Heather. They never left my side. Lastly, the friends that never gave up on me no matter what was going on. They all know who they are. Ian, Adam, Blake, Ben, Richard, Jacob, Benton, David, Daniel, Phillip, and my cousin Kevin. You men kept me alive during my darkest hour. I couldn’t leave out Rozanna. She mentored me at work and is a fellow NICU parent. My family would never have made it without her.
After coming home I started a new job with a strong, Christian man with deep roots in the community, and my family has begun to heal. I have an even 40 hours a week, I have good benefits, good pay, and I’m only two minutes from home now. God has taken me from my darkness and put me into the light and shown me how far He can deliver me. Now my daughter is a year old and I cannot begin to express just how incredible and amazing she is. When I get home I kiss her and watch her smile as my beard tickles her cheeks. He eyes light up when she sees me, and I know she sees me. She grabs my face and starts clicking her tongue out of excitement and everything that I fear or worry about just disappears. I see her face and I see heaven. I see her beautiful mother. I see her strength and her determination. Even when she cries I am happy because she is crying at home and not in the hospital.
Each and every day I get to kiss my baby girl when I leave and when I get home. I can kiss my stunning wife every morning and every night. I spend quality time with them every day, and I begin to heal. I can hold my family in my arms and feel the love of God all around me. I know everything is going to be OK, and I pray thanks to God for bringing me back to my family out of my darkness.
My prayer for you, my perfect, beautiful, strong, determined, spunky, hilarious, smiling little angle of a child Addison Olivia Wolfe is that you come to know one day how much your Mommy and Papa love you. I wish I could share with you the endless amount of lives you have touched with your strength. The millions who have prayed for you. I hope one day you can read this and know how truly loved you are. Words do not even come close to describing the intense passion and love I carry for you and your mother. I will never leave you again. I will never submit to the evils of this world and try to numb myself. I will always protect you. I will always defend you and your mother. I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR PAPA. No matter what happens in life. Whether God takes any of us back home or war tears us apart, or the end of the world comes I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR PAPA. You are loved more intensely than you could possibly ever imagine. The only one who loves you more than your mother and I is God, and He only loves you barely more than us.
Little girl, your father was once a broken man, but he is returned to you whole, and full of love and determination to be the best father the world has ever seen. I will take you to your first dance. I will intimidate the first boy that comes calling on you. I will cry as I give you away to your husband and dance my last dance with you. I will love your children and your husband’s family. Your mother and I will always love you. No matter what happens in life. When your mother and I got married we made a family crest and set our family motto. It is “Love Endures.” This is your life that you will lead. Love will endure every day and into eternity. On your first birthday my love, know that your Papa is the proudest man in the world, and that his love for you will endure past this life and into eternity.
I love you my perfect Daughter. Addison Olivia Wolfe. You are loved endlessly. Happy First Birthday.
So precious. Thanks for your story. I continue to pray for Addie every day.
You two are the bravest and strongest family I know! Addie has the perfect parents. I know that God had His hand in that choice. We are so honored that you all have shared your experiences, both up and down with us. I pray that you will have continued blessings and strength for the hard times. Keep your eyes on God and remember that He’s got this, too! Papa, thanks so much for baring your soul and your heart. You are a good man and wonderful husband and father. You have come through the fires of testing and proven yourself worthy of favor. God Bless your little family!
What a beautiful tribute. You are truly, and in every sense of the word, a father. You get it, never forget what is important…… God and family. God bless you.
I’ve been following Addie’s story ever since and it is nice to know she is doing better now. What a touching story from a father. It wasn’t easy for him obviously and now we knew how he tried to be strong for both you and Addie. God bless your family! I’ll continue praying for you.
kareen liez recently posted…Mom Thinks Dad Will Miss Daughter’s Recital, But She’s Up For a Touching Surprise!
Thank you for sharing your letter. You and your family have endured a lot! I’m so very proud of you. You are stronger than a lot of men, Matthew! I call you a real man to stand by your family! Stephanie and little Addie are lucky to have you! Continue to be strong! God bless you all 🙂
Mathew & Stephanie,
You are both 2 of the strongest people I have ever had the honor and privilege to pray for. Though we have never met, I feel as though I know you already. Thank you for sharing your stories. Thank you for being so transparent and honest. Thank you for sharing your journey, the good and the bad. You have touched lives all over the world and have deeply touched me. You inspire me every single day and I can’t wait to see what great and mighty things God has planned for your future. I can’t wait to see your beautiful, sweet, precious Addie grow and blossom into a strong healthy young lady. I know God is the ALMIGHTY PYSICIAN and that he will continue to bless your precious family abundantly. Sending you lots of love, prayers and a BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ADDIE!! #pinkninjaprayerwarriorforever????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
This. Every honest and heart felt word. Thank you for sharing this and laying yourselves bare.
You guys are amazing. Just like Addie. xoxo
Claire @ A Little Claireification recently posted…All Things Fall – The 2015 Collection
That brought me to tears seeing to pics and reader the love in the letter it’s unbelievable how one little angel can change all r lives God bless her and the family
Wow! Thank you for sharing this incredible story with us! You are both so beautifully strong. If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s this, sometimes we have to go through the darkness nights to be able to see the most beautiful light. Addie is lucky to have parents who love her so much. I’m also so proud that you pulled yourself out of that darkness. I’ve been praying for addie since she was born and when my boys were born at 30 weeks and then Jax wound up in and out of the hospital, it was Stephanie that I ran to for advice or to talk. Your family has come to mean so much to me. Happy birthday addie!
Cassie @ Beauty & The boys recently posted…Eyeshadow Love
Cue the tears. What a great post. You both amaze me on a daily basis. God bless you all!
Oh boy!! Thee tears flowed again reading this post. God Bless you Mathew for sharing your story. So proud of you for being strong and being an amazing father and husband to your family. Stephanie is an incredible woman and is truly a warrior and pink ninja herself. Addie is the luckiest girl to have both of you as her parents. I continue to pray for all of you but I know GOD is keeping close watch on the 3 of you.
Holli recently posted…When I drive i sometimes get road rage
This was so touching and quite moving. Men don’t always share their struggles and feelings. Really encouraging. Thank you for sharing.
You were so overwhelmed. But God showed you the way. Things are falling into place. I know this post was difficult for you but you have blessed us all,by letting us see into your heart. You have encouraged those who might be facing their own trials and helped them see that things can get better. What a wonderful man, husband and father you are!
I can’t even imagine the role as a father trying to keep up with what is going on … you know you went to that darkness but what is so grand you haven’t stayed there and it didn’t hold you there, you where pulled from it into the wonderful light of Jesus, and what a wonderful testimony you have. your family i have been following for months and i look to see what is going on each day and i pray for you all and pray that God continues to keep you all held together strongly and Addie getting better each day, she is like a ray of Sunshine shinning bright. and your wife, wow, i need her strength. she is a strong lady and you know you have to be strong yourself or you couldn’t put your life here on this page to let everyone know your dark times.. but it all comes down enduring to the end and serving Him with all our might and giving our all and all unto Him and just let Him work, this is something i fight myself… praying for all three of you and will continue, Loved by the Grace of God and touched by the Masers hand…….
This made me cry. Thank you so very much for sharing your side of the story. Your story has been a tremendous blessing to me because I feel like I am going down a similar path but you have renewed my faith.
AMEN!! God has Blessed you all and onward with all the beauty that life has on hold for all.
May Gods Angels watch over you all every second of the day, weeks and years.
I have some fun thoughts that Addie would have fun with sign language and so!! much fun
for all grand parents, uncle, aunties and friends. We have done this with Lana Marie and it is so!!
nice that she can ask for things with sign and baby talk, So!! cute and adorable at 19 mo.
Addie will pick up fast on it in her first years, will have them with her all her life to help others around her
that need the help of sign language. Deep Prayers always coming from me, and I am so!! happy to read and watch everyday for the news on all of you. It is so! awesome!! to watch and see Addie grow and get well.
God Bless! always Little Addie Angel Girly! Lots of Love, huggies and kisses
OOOOOOOOO XXXXXXXXXX OOOOOOOOOOO XXXXXXXXXXXX
August 27,2015 Jean & grand daughter Lana Marie Bushey
P.S. I had tears on the first word that came out of Addie’s, Papa’s voice!! very Spiritual Blessed man all around.
Your story is so touching. You are so young and have so much wisdom and faith. I pray for all of you daily and I’m so happy that Addie is getting stronger and stronger each day. God has big plans for her. Thank you for sharing your life. You both are awesome people.
Young Sir, you have been to the brink of hell and back, and survived. My heart goes out to you and your wife, and Addie too, for what you must endure daily. More importantly is your courage. You shared the rawness, the humanness of reaching the lowest point of desperation, laid yourself bare to us all, and then showed us how our Mighty Lord is doing His magnificent work in your life. Kudos to you! You are a great dad, a wonderful husband and a son of the Most High King. Continue your hard work with pride and joy, for though the night may be hard, joy comes in the morning. Thank you for your openness in sharing and may God bless you all. I pray for you guys daily! Much luv from California ????
Thanks for being so incredibly honest! What a story of love – for yourself, your wife and your daughter. We will continue to pray for you and your family and thanks for letting us in!
This is amazing such a blessing God always has a greater plan
I will start off by saying I am not a Christian, nor do I believe in the power of prayer, however, your family is one that lightens my life. Your honesty and conviction through Addison is amazing – and I can only dream that when my husband and I decide to have kids, that my family will be just as filled with as much love as yours. This was raw, and awakening, and I am so glad you were able to find yourself again and hold on to what makes you, you. Thanks for sharing your journey with us, and I cannot wait to continue to watch little Addie’s life unfold filled with love from two incredible parents.
Beautifully Written! Thanks for sharing with everyone! When Addison gets older and is able to read this she will get a chance to see how truly “Love Endures”!!!! Im going to share this with my husband!!!!
Carissa recently posted…New Baby #FormulaForHappiness in the NICU
Matthew, thank u for being so open & honest & most of all for being the best dad Addie could ever ask for… God ordained u to b her father & Stephsnies husband & He healed you through this journey… What an amazing testament!!! Ur story is beautifully written & is as inspiring as is Addie’s!! I’m continually praying for y’all ????????????????… Much Love to ur precious family!!
Thank you for your transparency and thanks even more for standing by your family especially during hard times! A lot of men wouldn’t which is sad. But your girls need you and it’s great to hear that everything is working out so beautifully! God is so good! Your family is continuously in our prayers.
Honest and brutal, two of the best pieces that make us human. To not only endure your story, but to share it with all of us, just makes me love you guys more! Love does indeed endure, and you have already triumphed!
This is truly beautiful. Thank you for being so honest, I truly believe this can and will help many who are going through hard things that they don’t expect; to realize there is hope and there is light and good. Both you and your wife amaze me and I truly keep you in my prayers at all times. Thank you both for who you are and all you do.
That is without a doubt one of the sweetest posts I have ever read. Both of your letters are so very sweet and Addison is one lucky little girl to have you both for parents. I look for her sweet, beautiful face each day and look forward to your wife’s beautiful, smiling face posting the latest. I love seeing pictures of each of you with her. There is nothing like the love of someone who loves you unconditionally. We experience this as parents and the love of God who is with us in our highs and lows. I look forward to the sharing of many, many more posts. We rest in the assurance that the God on the mountain is the same God that is with us in the valley. Thank you for your testimony and the many lives that it will touch. Happy 1st Birthday Baby Girl❤❤❤
Amazing. Just amazing. What a story of redemption. Thank-you for being vulnerable and sharing. That is what being a Christian is all about.
I wanted to say I love this letter! Addie is a special beautiful loving child that has wonderful parents!!! God Bless and I am so happy things are going better for you Matthew. Your wife is so great inside and out. I hope whatever God holds for your family is great and big! Addie has gave me so much love from just reading and seeing daily pics of her. I can’t expain how it was touch me, but it shows how powerful love is! And how powerful GOD is!!
This is the sweetest thing I have read in a long, long time! Addie is lucky to have such an amazing Dad!
God is faithful! You are a humble man to be willing to share with the ‘world’ your honest struggles. Happy “Birth” day to you all! God will not lead you where He is not willing to follow. He will never leave you nor forsake you. May you all continue to grow to know Him in His fullness and find all of His promises true always! There is no darkness where His light will not reach. Blessings on you sweet Addie and your family today and forever!
The honesty is raw and real and I’m so grateful that you posted this. After a 2 1/2 year fight we lost our first grandchild in April to HLHS. Our kids lived a life parallel to yours. As grandparents we walked the journey and faced our own demons of depression and helplessness.God is faithful and His plan is bigger than our minds can see. I’ve followed your story on Instagram and I’m continually amazed at Stephanie’s faith. May God continue to grow you as a family and renew your strength daily. ❤️
I have been following miss Addie since she is 3 months old and not a day goes by that I don’t pray for her and her lovely mommy and daddy. You guys are incredible and such a loving family!! I love you all keep up the great work!!
Matthew: I know you see the courage of your wife and child, I hope you also see your own courage. Not just having taken the steps to move back toward your family but the courage to put your story out for others to read. You, sir have given voice to what many men will need to read. God has blessed you. We are humans, we allow fear, grief, anger and others feelings to come in and pull us away from the truth we know, that God is Sovereign, if we were not fallen creatures we would have no need for God and His perfect redemption plan. You are redeemed. You have been prayed over, and many have stood in the gap for you and your family and we will continue to do so. Be blessed young man and continue to build a legacy that does your Heavenly Father proud. Much love and prayers to you and your precious gifts.
Wow a man’s life that I understand and went through myself but as a women surrounded by darkness,depression and wanting out any which way. May one day i be as brave as you and overcome those obstacles. Your daughter has been a blessing to so many. I replied to mommy’s letter but it is your letter that i relate to. You are an amazing man of god and may he continue to protect your family and i will always have you all in my prayers. Very inspiring to read that there is happiness at the end of someone journey, hopefully i will see that light as well soon. God bless and love that #punkninja girl!!!!!!