Friday was a really rough day. Addison was supposed to get her breathing tube taken out of her mouth to see if she could breathe with even more minimal support than she already was getting.
It didn’t work.
I was SO excited for the day and even got to the hospital early so I could be there for rounds. The doctor came in later than I thought he would be, and the resident, interns, nurse, respiratory therapist, and myself all gathered around Addison waiting for the doctor to mention extubation. He asked the nurse and RT if they thought Addison was ready, and they excitedly told him they believed she was. I chimed in as well, excited that I would finally see her lips uncovered with tape. Well… extubation didn’t work. I watched the RT and nurse take Addison’s tape off- something I’d seen plenty of times before when they would try to reposition her breathing tube. I saw her gorgeous lips for a little bit and tried to record what was going on with my phone since Mathew had to work. They tried to put her on a cannula, and she struggled a LOT. I saw her gasp for air and really force her breathing, and I tried to help the nurse and RT with whatever they needed…until I realized things were getting a lot more serious and they would need to try various other forms of support.
As they tried the other forms of support, I saw her lips turn blue, her body getting pale, Addison gasping for a decent breath, and hearing her cry with a raspy voice because her tube had been in her throat so long. I stood back and somehow made it to my big reclining chair, while the team of doctors rushed to her side to reintubate her.
I. Was. Frozen.
Addie’s heart rate dropped, and all I could do was sit in my chair and listen to an intern yell out her heart rate for the doctor to hear. Interns were calling the charge nurse and the ENT doctor, and she couldn’t breathe and there was nothing I could do but watch. It was awful. Finally, the charge nurse took me out of the NICU so they could get a tube back in Addison’s airway, and I was taken to the parent lounge where I sobbed with the mom whose little baby boy has a bed right by Addison. I was so thankful for her letting me cry on her shoulder for those 2 minutes that passed until the charge nurse came back and said Addison was successfully reintubated. After a few more minutes, I was allowed back to Addison’s bedside and saw her acting as if nothing happened (even though she was a bit pale).
I know God has a plan for Addison. He has PERFECT timing and is NEVER wrong. That isn’t to say that this didn’t hurt my heart and I’m not traumatized, because it did and I AM, but I have to try to have faith that this was all for a reason.
Currently the doctor is planning to just give Addison rest until Thursday or Friday and then try again with extubating. Addison’s failed extubation could have just been because she had just had a bronchoscopy the day before and her airway could’ve been swollen. Since Addison takes longer to heal than most kids her age, taking it slow right now and letting her rest is the best thing. This week the doctor has plans to not make any major changes on anything so Addison can just take it easy. We’re waiting patiently and I’m honestly so nervous about another extubation. What if it fails again? What will happen if I can’t be in the same room when she gets extubated? What if I have to watch it all over again?